Two little letters, one syllable; more of a sound really and yet it is enough to strike fear into the hearts and minds of women and men everywhere. That one little utterance, that flexing of your tongue as it moves to form words, one word actually, 'ex'. As in 'the', or at least 'one of'.
Yes, ex. I saw mine not a week ago and the experience, like it always does, left me pensive.
I'm not going to lie, I dislike the dude. Not for anything he has done or for anything in our past but because I am older now and my eyes are wide open. I can finally see all the things I couldn't see before: that he is rude and arrogant, impolite, selfish, self absorbed and well, kinda dumb. In the spirit of being truthful I will also admit that that the simple act of him existing often offends me and quite frankly, I wish he wouldn't do it, but then I'm dramatic that way.
So with all of that said, if you asked me if I hated him, I will reply no because I really don't. I thoroughly dislike him, yes, but I am indifferent to him. Mostly I don't like seeing him because it is awkward, the kind of awkward that makes your eyes bugg out and insides squirm. I have nothing to say to him but if I don't talk to him then I'm being immature, I also have nothing to say to the new girlfriend and yet I am forced to talk and be nice to her. I have nothing, period and it's frustrating keeping up appearances. We're not friends. We never will be and yet once or twice a year I have to play make believe.
I think once upon a time it was a 'winning thing' because it's always a competition with the ex to see who has 'moved on first' and with whom. Who's more successful, happier, better off? Who cares? I don't. That's the truth actually, I don't. He brought 'Tammy'. Cue blonde haired, petite little Italian girl. I brought my two cousins, one aged 7, the other 5, my grandmother, both siblings, the siblings girl friend, my auntie, my uncle and my olds (mum and dad). No mans in sight and I didn't feel inferior because of it (that's the not caring part).
And THAT, that act of not caring is how I know I'm right when I say I'm indifferent. I think I can still dislike someone and be indifferent to them. Once upon a time I would have fretted over seeing him because he goes through girlfriends like underpants, so no doubt he would have one of them there. I don't date people that often, lets be honest, so the chances of me ever having some man candy to flaunt at one of these things are slim, and I USED to care. Not so much anymore.
So what did I do? I said hello, did the obligatory 'hey, how ya doing?' and then I proceeded to mingle, I danced like a fool with my little cousins and whipped them around the floor, I drank a little, danced a little more and then I left. Indifferent.
So I suppose the curse of the ex is finally over. I have been indifferent for what seems like a life time but there always existed that sense of competition. Not anymore. This time was the first time i really didn't care what he thought of me or who was 'winning'. As far as I'm concerned I've won. Great friends, great family, a uni degree, a good sense of self. Couldn't really ask for more.
-Nadia X
Good on you Nadia! =D Running into an ex is always a bit weird, the feeling of being a stranger to someone who once was the center of your world. I think that's the big thing that affects people the most, is that strange feeling of being distant to someone who was once close.
ReplyDeleteBut I do agree with you on the "winning" thing, a lot of people feel like it's a competition after the break up, as if they are proving something by being the first to move on. I think it's silly, personally.
But maybe you and I are just the different ones?