This one is for the men out there and it's aptly called "How not be be creepy", because lets face it, sometimes you guys really DO come across as creepy (even if you don't realise it). Now, while the boys at Lonley island have explained it fairly well through the art of song, I feel I have a thing or two to add.
So here are some tips on how to avoid coming across as a creep...
1. Don't creep
Now I know what you're thinking; that this one is pretty self explainatory, but you'd be surprised how many guys do this. So cardinal rule number one: Don't creep!
Don't sneak up on a girl and just pop up like some wacked out Jack in a box. Don't sidle up, laugh loudly and insert yourself into her conversation. And don't, I mean DO NOT, just come up behind a girl and start grinding on her ass, because it may not give you the result you were after (If you need more clarification on this last point, I refer you to one Miss. Jenna Marbles: here).
Bottom line, if you creep up, you look creepy. Like I said, seems pretty straight forward but men are repeat offenders of the creep. Just to reiterate: serial killers creep, Dexter creeps, men with bad comb overs who wear hush puppies creep, and most importantly, creeps creep. So hot tip: If she jumps when you come up behind her and whisper her name in her ear, shrieks when you appear suddenly in her peripherals, or appears startled to see you, then you have offended and yes, you are a creep.
2. Try to appear normal
This one seems meaner than it is and by 'try to be normal', I don't mean 'don't be you'. By all means, be yourself, just maybe don't be your whole self too soon. Don't start the conversation off by drumming on about your strange collection of fossilised guano, your collection of rare and dangerous spiders, your Mum, or that weird fungus you have growing on your big toe. Try to keep the conversation general. Ask her questions, find common ground and once you've won her over with your dazzling smile and mutual love of country and western music, then tell her about the fungus. You picking up what I'm putting down?
3. Don't be too forward
Try not to go in too 'Gung Ho'. That is to say, take it slowly. Approach at a leisurely pace, not a terrifying run. Don't start asking her about her previous relationships, her last pap smear or where she is in her 'womanly cycle'. Still avoid talking about the toe fungus.
You should also avoid getting involved too quickly. Don't start making promises about the things you are going to do or see, or the places you would take her. Don't talk about marriage or kids unless that is somehow a natural progression in the conversation. Don't start talking about how she would love your parents or invite her (even if it is an empty offer) to your beach house, or your isolated cabin in the woods for a nice ciante. Bottom line, she will think you are strange, moving too fast, or worst case, that you are going to go all Hannibal Lectre on her ass and make her into a pie. And let me tell you, none of those options are sexy and in case you're wondering, yes, they get you a tick in the creepy column.
4. Listen with your eyes
No, this isn't like that playschool song that tells you to 'listen with your eyes and sing everything you see'. This one is about body language and about how you should observe it and use it. It's simple, don't leer, don't lean forward too much, don't square your body to her thus creating a brick wall between her and the exit. If you take a step forward and she takes two steps back, it's not a re-enactment of a Paula Abdul classic, it's her telling you that she is comfortable with the existing personal space and doesn't want to close the gap. Listen with your eyes, boys. Body language will tell you a lot about how well you're doing with a gal.
5. Think of Quagmire
Think of Quagmire from Family Guy...and then be the opposite. Never say Giggity Giggity.
6. This isn't animal planet
This isn't animal planet. She isn't a defenseless gazelle or a wounded buffalo calf. You are not a prowling lion on the savannah.
No wait, I changed my mind. Think of her like a gazelle (or a wounded buffalo calf) and think of yourself as that lion. What would a gazelle do if you backed them up into a corner? The correct answer is: it would freak the shit out. So don't do it to the ladies!
Don't hit on girls in the elevator or in a car, or even on the train or bus, because like a gazelle, they will freak the shit out. Moving vehicles are terrifying, more so when in the presence of a lion. Pick the right setting, give her a chance (if she so desires), to run the fuck away. Cars and busses and elevators are essentially situations where we feel trapped. We can't get away from you. We are forced to endure a period of time in your presence, whether it be until we get to the next floor, or until we reach the next stop. Don't get me wrong, we don't mind that you're hitting on us, we just want the easy flight option available to us while you're doing it.
7. Last but not least...
So I'm sure that by now I've done a pretty good job of convincing you otherwise, but believe it or not, most girls are not heinous bitches. We are NOT those bitchy girls from high school and unless you are being particularly vile or offensive, we will not flat out tell you to fuck off. I'm not saying you're not going to get rejected, you might. My point however, is that most girls will politely decline or lie about having a boyfriend.
Now, should that happen (and here's the most important part), don't be a jerk about it. Don't call her a lesbian, or a dirty slut because buddy, you just hit on her which either makes you an idiot for trying your luck with a person with no interest in a vital piece of your anatomy, or a man with questionable taste who fancies dirty sluts. Also, don't say things like 'do you really have a boyfriend', or 'I don't care if you have a fella'. Truth be told, she probably doesn't have a boyfriend, but she politely lied about it so as to not make you feel so bad, and now you're being a jerk about it. So stop. Just politely smile and walk away. Well done, you have successfully avoided being a creep.
So there you have it, some cardinal rules to follow if you want to avoid being a creep. If however, you DO want to be a creep, then please refer to the aforementioned Lonely island video where Niki Minaj, Jorma, Akiva and Andy will educate you on the art of Creeping.
Until next time,
Nadia X
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